Let's cut straight to the chase again, shall we. There is enough tension in the world.

No question, the best burger in New York, if not the world, is to be found at Shake Shack, Madison Square Park.

Proper beef flavour and – crucially – a soft, sweet bun. None of this toasted malarky.

Get in! There is no indoor eating, which tested our mettle that day, but you get to eat in the shadow of the Flatiron, which adds a little frisson.

And the squirrels were crazy mad for them. We literally had to fend them off. And they were real fatties, too:

Honourable mentions should also go to:

The Spotted Pig, for their irresistible shoestring fries, even though their staff were very much of the 'too cool for school' persuasion (to the extent that, when I arrived without my dining companion, who was running late, the maitre 'd refused to seat me even though there was literally only one other guest. While I am at it, what is it with the staff at April Bloomfield's places? They were also horribly sniffy at the Breslin, too. Rant over). The burger was fabulously rare, as requested, but lost points for having a crispy bun. No, no, no, no… (shakes head ruefully).

And, of course, a tip of the stetson to Prune, for their inspirational idea of using an English muffin for the bun – surely some award for design and innovation and a plinth at MOMA is in the offing for that? – although they lost points for making a burger you needed a knife and fork to eat. Burgers are to be clasped purposefully between two hands in a vague 'crab claw' formation. I don't make the rules here…

Other runners up, include the burgers at Five Guys which, though it is a chain, were leagues better than any chain burger to be had anywhere in Europe (and better than virtually any proper restaurant burger too, while we're at it), and, if we are broadening things out to general bun-centric fast food, then this beauty:

It's the lobster roll at the Pearl Oyster Bar in Greenwich Village. Staggeringly good, even for 27 dollars. I still dream about this meal.